Fail-tacular

1) No, it totally has NOT been 9 months since I last posted on here.
2) Yes, I WILL be bringing back the -tacular titles for now, I think, mainly because I have no idea when I will next be blogging.
3) Yes, the new name will not last forever. I'm also blogging for the Wind Orchestra for the next few months. After that I shall be withdrawing from Wind Orchestra and restoring my default name, fatshion_hustler.

But, you can call me Gillian. That too is not a crime.

To the bad news.

I discovered to my dismay two days ago that this had happened:

'Disgust' as anti-vax group's charity status restored
18th Apr 2012
Prominent anti-vaccination lobby group the Australian Vaccination Network (AVN) was today celebrating the reinstatement of its charity status.

Sweet cream-filled Merlin, is this REALLY happening?

For those of you not in the know, the AVN is the main anti-vaccination group in Australia (and nobody should let the stuff they say about being a "pro-choice" group fool them; they are an anti-vaccination group). I've been told that anti-vaccination movements are not particularly big in the UK, and certainly in Australia they aren't big to what seems to be the level they are in the US.

Still, the AVN are bad news, and for some inexplicable reason they had until 2010 been allowed to fundraise for their noble child-killing cause. The NSW government then found documentation that showed the AVN had committed many acts of fraud and regulatory breaches. Then some smart chaps from the NSW Office of Liquor Gaming and Racing listened to the NSW Health Care Complaints Commission, who had issued a public health warning against the AVN, and revoked their licence.

However, it now appears that the Supreme Court felt the HCCC were acting outside their jurisdiction. Public health warning removed, the AVN saw a a chance to ask for their licence back and took it, and the Supreme Court was all like "yeah, sure. What harm can it do?"

Now, first of all, why are the AVNs breaches being ignored here? I would have thought the case to be simple. The AVN committed fraud. Their licence to fundraise was revoked. Case closed. The HCCC may have been acting outside of their jurisdiction, I don't know. But the AVN still committed fraud. Interestingly the very people who discovered the breaches are choosing to ignore them.

Secondly, and possibly more importantly, exactly HOW does the AVN qualify as a charity? Surely the purpose of a charity is to do something to improve the welfare of others. The AVN does no such thing. The AVN spreads lies, dodgy research and other forms of misinformation to as many people as they can get their grimy mitts on, and in doing so helps to cause what is becoming a very, VERY real public health concern.

Gillian angry. Gillian want smash.

Photos! Because I want people to face their fear...

I've been thinking about doing this for a while, and I think it's probably time... I'm going to drop the '-tacular' in my posts.

It's a bit weird, since I set out to have all of my titles involve the suffix '-tacular' when I started this blog, and for once I was pretty good at sticking to the task I'd set. But I think the shtick is somewhat redundant, and I've been considering doing something a bit more 'regular' with this blog anyway. Updating it every day would be awesome, but failing that, having some sort of special segment every Friday, perhaps, thinking about what I've seen during the week involving FA and my general musings about things I see and hear.

Anyway, the purpose of my post today is to present photos. Of me! Yay!

I'll do that in a moment. But first I want to talk about fat chicks in magazines and newspapers. A few weeks ago Two Whole Cakes wrote this post about a bunch of fat chicks doing a photo shoot for well-known shittiest-newspaper-in-all-of-Britain, The Sun. Basically what happened was that former UK pop star, Claire Richards (no, I don't know who that is) went from a size 10 to a 16 relatively quickly, and posed naked for a photo. The Sun got three women to copy this pose, and I think they all look great. But one of these ladies "could not look at the picture of herself naked." This lady says:

"When I was posing for the photograph, I could feel my belly flopping on to the floor. I couldn't suck it in, so I know it is going to look awful.
"As I'm 5ft 9in, I carry my weight quite well, but my tummy is always a problem area. I always make sure I buy clothes that cover it well."

I've always enjoyed that phrase "carry my weight well". Because, I mean, who doesn't? I carry my weight very well, at 5'4" and 102kg. I never have to take a breather while carrying my weight, and I don't abuse it while I carry it, I don't drop it. Can I get some praise?

Anyway, this is hardly the first time I've seen a chick (or even a dude) be all like "Oh, no, my stomach's sticking out! How horrible!" or "I don't want to look at that photo of myself when I look all fat like that!" or whatever else. It's been long established that people are afraid of becoming fat, and I guess the problem with looking at photos of yourself is that that fear you have of being fat might be confirmed.

To which my question is: um, guys? What are you so afraid of? I mean yeah, the supposed health implications of being a Size Mammoth are probably a bit scary, but it's not as though a person looks at a photo and can see 30% of most common cancers, diabetes, erectile dysfunction, dementia, incontinence, heart disease... and all of that other crap. I really don't think it's the health aspect that terrifies many people, so much as it is the appearance aesthetic. Fat is ugly, of course. That's what our society believes. And I think that's the fear.

... it's actually not that bad, guys. Truly. I mean, yeah, I'll admit, I do often see myself in photos and go "eugh! THAT'S how fat I am?!" but believe me, I'm trying to stop that. Learning to love yourself after a lifetime of being told that you'd be so beautiful if only you lost weight, is difficult.

Anyway, to show you just how not-that-awful it is, I present photos of me and my fat! (no nudity, I promise)


Let's start off big. My fat fat gut, and my legs! Like the dress? I took this one from somewhere above my chest, I think.


Another shot of my legs. They're pretty thin for a fat person, so I'll not post any other photos of them. That's not what people are afraid of.


Here we go! Rotate your heads 90 degrees to the left, and you can see my knockers (again, small, for a fattie) and the majority of my fat, which I store on my front. C'mon, you wimps. Have a look-sie. If you're afraid of becoming fat, THIS is what you're afraid of. Seriously. This is it.

...I kind of think it looks like a beach ball, or something, from that angle.


I thought this one was kind of funny. I took it holding the camera somewhere above my... never mind. Anyway, I dunno if this really shows much. Maybe you shouldn't be able to see any of my stomach from that angle?


This is similar to my third picture, but I'm sitting up a bit straighter.

So there you have it. That's my fat. Someday I might post an underwear shot, but I'm not holding my breath on that front and neither should you.

All joking aside, I feel that this fear says something else - something that I think needs to be addressed. I find that I'm weirdly reminded of the second season of Glee, which featured a homophobe being scared (or violent towards) Kurt, because he's gay. The very definition of a homophobe is "somebody who is afraid of gay people". Most people in society agree that being afraid of a homophobe is utterly ridiculous and downright insulting towards gay people. And I'd like to make the same argument here. We are NOTHING to be afraid of. It is not like hanging out with us is going to make you fat (despite what morons like Mimi Roth will have you believe). It is utterly ridiculous of people to be afraid of what we represent. We're not evil. We're not pathetic. We're not going to fall down dead as soon as you turn your heads. We're just fat. That is really, truly, honestly, all we are. And if you're so afraid of becoming like us that you're sacrificing health, happiness, time, relationships, and whatever else people sacrifice, in order to hypothetically one day be able to guarantee that you will never, ever be like us... that makes me kind of sad.

Musetacular, because bugger me it's been a while.

It's currently 4 in the morning here, so hopefully I'll keep this relatively short. But it has been a long time since I've updated, and there is something I've been musing on of late.

First, the run-down. It's humid as buggery here, I have a month left in Japan before I go to Australia for a few weeks (woo!!), my tea-ventures would be happening if it wasn't so humid that the thought of imbibing hot drinks didn't make me sick in the stomach, my eating is... not great, but I guess it's been worse, and my sleeping is obviously completely fucked because it's currently 4 in the fucking morning.

Now on to my musings. During my days here, chillin' with the peeps in the International Circle lounge, chatting to people in my dorms, pursuing people's Livejournal posts, etc, I've been noticing a lot of weight-talk. It's a constant, of course, but one thing about being into this whole FA business is that it makes you hypersensitive to weight-loss talk. This is what I've been seeing lately:

- several friends doing the whole 'sometimes i think like i'm able to eat anything and it'll be fine, but that's so not the case's.
- a friend putting 'i want to lose weight' wish cards on the wish-branches for Japanese summer festival
- 'i'm trying to slim down' facebook statuses
- weight-related livejournal posts
- 'my weight is my fault' discussions with friends

It makes me want to grab every single one of these people by the shoulders and yell 'THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO! WE CANNOT CONTROL OUR WEIGHT! LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU WERE MADE THIS WAY, SO GIVE YOUR BODY THE RESPECT IT DESERVES AND FUCKING GET OVER IT, MOVE ON, AND LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOU ARE!!!' But I can't do that, because people are completely incapable of believing that they are anything other than totally in control of their weight.

That in itself is interesting. The thing is, most of the people I talk to are reasonable, clever, rational individuals. People who think, and do not necessarily fall for the conventions of society. These people are often very much of the opinion that everybody is different, that people do have different body structures, that not everybody can be a size 0, etc.

And yet, they still think they need to/can lose weight.

This has baffled me for years. Even when I was in such a deep relationship of hate with my body that it did not look as though we would ever be able to set aside our differences and move on. I would have specialists say to me "Not everybody can look like a supermodel. Some of us are naturally larger than other people". Sweet. Fine. Cool. But THEN they would say "However, you still should lose weight."

Can anybody else see the total contradiction here? Is there something in these very simple statements that I'm missing? Some kind of loophole I wasn't aware of? Because it really does look to me as though everybody is saying on the one hand that you're fine, but on the other hand that you're not.

I think the difficulty here rests in society's ABYSMAL attitude towards us fats. So ingrained in all of our minds is this attitude, that it always manages to subconsciously be the exception to any sort of self-positivity related rule or belief. You know what I mean. The old "Gillian, you're really very good looking, if only you'd lose weight" malarkey, or the old "Gillian, you're in really good nick. All your stats here are good. But you're overweight, so clearly you are more fucked than anybody who engages in constant excessive drinking, chain smoking, night upon night of unprotected sex, no exercise whatsoever, no sleep whatsoever, unending stress, and any other unhealthy behaviour. No no, you are quite clearly fucked, because of the shape that Mother Nature bestowed upon you at the time of your birth. Don't let the data here fool you. You'll be dying very early indeed, my friend" thing. Even if we remove that personal pronoun (chosen almost at random, I assure you), there are certainly a lot of unbelievably awesome people out there who, I think, are more-or-less aware of the extent of their awesomeness, except in that they feel they need to drop a few kilos.

What I've noticed in particular, is that people cannot seem to understand that our weight is largely beyond our control, and that our bodies will do absolutely ANYTHING to keep us from losing weight. I've gotten into this argument with a lot of people (of that smart, reasonable calibre I was mentioning earlier), of varying weights. Most of them are on-board with me about us having as much right to look and feel fabulous as anybody else, and the larger of these individuals have even gone so far as to actually BE as good-looking and fabulous-feeling as anybody else. But all of them, without exception, become horribly unstuck when I give them my stance on weight-loss. They are all utterly incapable of understanding me, when I say that the human body is so unwilling to have us lose weight, and that no matter what sort of weight-loss-intended diet you go on (it can be the purest, most healthy, most exercise-laden diet in the world), 95% of the time that weight will all come marching back in like the die-hard (try die-IMPOSSIBLE) trouper it is, five years down the line. This idea completely baffles absolutely everyone, even the people who have been on diets and have experienced FOR THEMSELVES this quote-unquote tragic failing of the human body. Y'know, that failing that kept us from going into extinction for 2.2 billion years, thereabouts.

It doesn't strike me as that hard a principle to understand. But I guess I am approaching this from an unusual angle - as somebody who has witnessed most of the people in her family trying to lose weight, and failing, constantly, despite all of them having really good diet and exercise regimes (or at least regimes as good as those of surrounding thin people), and thought that there had to be a reason for herself and her family being this way, beyond our apparently appalling lack of discipline or whatever other tripe the commenters on obesity-related news articles like to prattle on about like they fucking know everything. Having found this reason, I now feel as though we should be celebrating our diversity, how genetics has conspired to make us all truly unique and therefore interesting, and finally telling the weight-loss and diet industry to do all the fucking off it should have done when it started drastically affecting public health with its bullshit. But most people are unable to comprehend what I'm saying.

I think that what I say is only insanely hard to understand in that it goes against what has been drummed into us by every know-it-all weight loss agency, diet pill company, gym, and concerned parent, for the past 50 years. What I'm saying goes against all of these people, and I realise that in saying it I sound like some crazy conspiracy-theory nut who believes the government planned 9-11 or that man didn't land on the moon or whatever. And maybe I am. Maybe it is totally crazy of me to feel that fat is not something to be afraid of. Maybe it is ridiculous of me to believe that we deserve to consider ourselves just as beautiful, or as healthy, as somebody who does not have what feels like a life-long battle with finding clothes of a comfortable fit anywhere that isn't online. And maybe it is beyond the realms of possibility for us to feel as though the way we are shaped, designed, created, by the amazing powers of billions of years of evolution and the resulting variety afforded to us by DNA, is something for us to consider spectacular, rather than one of the worst failings of modern society. After all, it goes against what everybody thinks.

Of course, everybody once thought that Earth was flat, and the sun revolved around it. Just saying.

Drinks-tacular! Or, my ventures into coffee and tea.

For the past extremely-long-amount-of-time I've had this constant feeling of tiredness. Not uncommon, I know. I think a lot of people feel tired a lot of the time. But I've always felt that it doesn't have to be that way, particularly not during times when I'm not having any trouble sleeping (such as now).

If you've read my entry a few entries down, you'll know that since being back in Japan I've been trying to work on my morning schedule. I've been waking up at around 6-6:30 (I'm trying to make it 6), going for a brisk walk (which is all it takes for me to start sweating profusely, as I'm neither particularly fit nor particularly feminine when it comes to the amount I sweat, much-obliged paternal gene pool), coming back, having a cool shower and eating breakfast. Breakfast for me is normally something like a bowl of cereal, or a few pieces of toast, with water. But lately I've been thinking that I should add a hot drink to the mix, since hot drinks are good for waking a person up.

Problem: I don't like hot drinks. Well no, that's not true. I love hot chocolates. If I feel like treating myself on a cold winter's morn, a Gloria Jeans hot chocolate would have suited me well every time in Australia, and the Starbuck's version is adequate enough in England. But hot chocolates have never suited me well as a kind of "wake-up juice", so I've tentatively decided to start getting into those two species of drink that I've always disliked: coffee and tea.

About a week ago I bought breakfast at Macca's. I had a hankering for a Bacon and Egg McMuffin. Annoyingly I accidentally bought a McGriddle instead (I thought they were McMuffins, I don't know, I wasn't thinking), and I dcided to take the plunge and get a coffee as well. I came home and left everything out while I showered, so it was already fairly lukewarm by the time I got around to consuming it, which wouldn't have helped taste-wise. The McGriddle was revolting. I'm quite fussy about tastes (even though I like a lot of different tastes), and to me sweet and savoury should be relatively separate, and having salty bacon, cheese and egg on a disturbingly sweet bread-like substance (which was soft and dough-y and felt uncooked aswell, yeurgh!) did not bode well with me. It's like putting chocolate sauce on steak, you know? But at least I finished it. The coffee was unbearable. I added the sugar and milk I'd been supplied, then added another teaspoon of sugar and splash of milk from my own supply, and it was STILL too bitter. People tell me that good-quality coffee doesn't taste bitter and I'm prepared to believe that it doesn't, but I've tried a lot of coffee in my time and I've not yet been rewarded for my struggles with a coffee that doesn't taste like hell and everything beyond, to me. I didn't finish it. Didn't want to.

It's a bummer, really, since I quite like coffee culture. I fully intend to do a barista course at some point and I'd be totally into owning a coffee shop, or even just working in one full-time while I complete my higher degrees (in an ideal world, of course. In reality coffee shops don't have many jobs on offer). So it's a pity I can't seem to stomach the primary beverage of these endeavours. Yet, anyway.

Fast-forward to this morning, when I went on my first walk for a few days (I've been feeling depressed lately. Don't ask. The walk greatly improved my mood, but), came back, showered, posted a Facebook status about ANZAC day (Australia and New Zealand's primary day for remembering our soldiers of war), and decided that I should probably do some breakfast-having activities. I'd been to the 100 yen store a few days previous and bought some instant coffee and English Breakfast teabags, and today I decided I would give the tea a go. I poured the hot water, added the teacup, let it steep (is that the right word?) while I thought about my grandpa (ANZAC day, y'all), took the teabag out, added enough sugar to satisfy the quota for at least a dozen Chuppa Chups, poured in a splash of milk and had a taste.

And it wasn't too bad! As I continued to taste intermittent sips of it it became gradually less nice (it was cooling down and I really had added too much sugar, and I think I'd prefer raw sugar to white), but I was able to finish it! And it wasn't the most horrible thing in the world! In fact, at first, I was actually enjoying it!

This probably seems like a really silly thing for me to get excited about, but to those of you who think that, let me explain. When you're with a bunch of people sitting around a table, and they ask if you'd like tea or coffee, it's pretty damn embarrassing when you have to say "water's fine, thanks" (even though it IS. Water's the best drink EVAH, man!). It's also pretty damn embarrassing in a cafe when the waiter brings out a mug of coffee and a chocolate milkshake and places the coffee in front of you and the milkshake in front of your 13-year-old cousin, and you have to swap them around. It's also really annoying when the only complementary drinks on offer are tea or coffee and you're there having to say "yyyyyyyyyeah I'm right" when they offer you one or the other.

So, I'm going to work on this! I've read about taste buds, and how you can train yourself to like particular tastes. This explains why my mother, the fussiest bloody eater the world has ever known (and I mean, seriously, y'all have no idea) likes coffee as much as she does, and why many people talk about controversial foods like vegemite, saying that at first it was the most revolting thing they'd ever eaten, but it ended up growing on them (my mother, incidentally, HATES vegemite). Hopefully with a bit of willpower and determination I will end up liking these drinks too. It's good to know that with tea, at least, this transition will not last for too long. I think coffee is going to take a while.

Debatetacular... or at least what passes for a debate on The Escapist

One of the many great things about Fat Acceptance is that in being part of it, I'm becoming more exposed to other equality movements, and in a way that I'm quite happy about. I'm starting to recognise my casual use of able-ist language (and actively try to stop myself from using it), I'm noticing racism more frequently (which is great, because it has allowed me to firmly cement the belief that I have pretty much always held that I am not racist, despite what people in the past have thought and said), and I have even been getting more into feminist issues. Although feminism should probably be the other equality movement I should be fighting for, being female and all, I've not really given it much thought. I figure it's not my piece to play.

Anyway, if I had more time, money, dedication, etc, I would probably be a fairly attentive gamer. I love puzzles and adventures and all that stuff, and there's something about shooting bad guys in games like Doom that is nothing short of cathartic. I'm a member of The Escapist, which is a great site for gaming and game discussion, and incidentally the host site of some of my favourite weekly series' (Zero Punctuation, The Big Picture and Extra Credits, to name a few). For better or worse I occasionally participate in the forums as well, and one of the topics on the forums today was on breastfeeding in public.

Well, of course, I had to participate in it. I vaguely remember, as a child, watching the occasional woman whipping out her newborn child's feeding apparatus and coaxing said newborn child to have its lunch, and I remember being somewhat intrigued by the process. It never entered my mind that the process was indecent. Isn't it what you're supposed to do, after all? When baby's hungry, baby needs to eat. But the issue of public breastfeeding came to my attention a few years ago via Penn and Teller's Bullshit! episode on Breast Hysteria (season 5, in case you're interested in hunting it out). I was amazed that so many people were against public breastfeeding. I wasn't and never have been a gibbering moron; I know that it's considered indecent for women to remove their bras and shake their bouncing knockers around as though they're church bells, but I figured that most people would surely realise that these women aren't just exposing their breasts for shits and giggles here. I'd have thought feeding a hungry baby would take precedence over possible offending of the populace with your exposed and probably not very pretty nipples.

Evidently not, if this forum's anything to go by. Most people appear to be on my side if the poll's anything to go by, but many are against it. Here are some inspiring bits of prose by the nay-sayers:

As a 20 something man, I feel perfectly justified NOT wanting to see certain things when I go out into public. Its not because I think its wrong to breastfeed, or even because its supposedly "obscene". It just strikes me as something that should be done privately ... Any time I see breastfeeding in public, I turn my head and am forced to make an effort to not look. If its being done in a restaurant, I have trouble continuing to eat without staring directly at my plate.

I can appreciate this bloke (he's the OP, btw)'s discomfort, but my main argument is that his comfort really should not be considered more important than a hungry child. Not feeding a hungry child is something that I would argue to be child abuse (not that that's a phrase I really like slinging around, but it's like when forcing a child to diet. It's cruel). What I really enjoyed was his "20 something man" part. I'll bet he's sis-gendered and white too.

while i personally would prefer it if they didnt, i understand that the baby has to eat, if its outside then there's not really too many places you can go, however if its in a restaurant i'd rather they went to the bathroom or something otherwise its realllly awkward

Sorry about the poor grammar. I think this person's mostly got the right idea, but the bathroom bit... well, maybe, if they have that option. But I'd argue that you wouldn't want to eat your lunch there, so why should the baby?

No one should have to adjust what they're doing so they can keep one person comfortable at the expense of the rest of the crowd

Really? Even when that one person is less than a year old, and as-yet incapable of producing their own meals, while the rest of the crowd has the ability to look away?

Now for some yay-sayers, just to keep things even.

I don't really mind, but you do know that a baby crying in public is much more annoying that breastfeeding, right?

I reckon! A few people pointed this out, and I think it's probably the best argument for getting the nay-sayers to stop complaining, because it's addressing their comfort. Ahh, humans. What a selfish bunch we are.

It's a perfectly natural act. If you wanna act like a 12 year old boy about it you should probably grow up and show some respect. Mothers don't get to chose when their kids are hungry. And how would you like it if someone said that you can't eat in public, but that you had to go into the bathroom to eat.

Spot on. And I told him/her as such.

How dare, how dare I say, that woman drag herself out of the house where she might inconvenience you with the sight of a perfectly natural phenomenon.

Come on, boyo, she went through nine months of relative hell and then squeezed a baby out of a hole severely undersized for the job. Now you want her to stay at home, too? Post-natal depression gets so many women in part because of the isolation you'd see mothers go through to prevent you seeing a nipple. You're perfectly justified in not wanting to see it, but she's also perfectly justified in wanting to go out on occasion. Babies get hungry at all hours, man, she's just got to go with the very literal flow.

This one made me lol. I just loved the "How dare, how dare I say" bit.

Anyway, I commented similarly, emphasising that it's possible to look away. The OP replied saying "should I look at my plate then, if she's directly in front of me?" to which I answered "yeah, if it bothers you that much" This other chap then replied, saying that the mother could take a bottle or two when they go out, and that the nay-sayers are basically saying that asking the mother to have a little decency is not too much to ask for in modern society.

This is where my initial spiel about feminism comes in, because here was where I smelled male privilege coming into play. Not that there aren't women against public breastfeeding as well, because there are, but anyway. What struck me at this point was that, were breasts a male organ, and were men the ones having to expose that body part to feed children, what would the public reaction be? In my humble opinion, I don't think there would be nearly as big an outcry. Men, after all, are not expected to always be put-together and decent and proper all the time, like women are. Consider how much more OK it is for men to rearrange their clothing in public than it is for women. For something more related to the topic, consider how much more OK it is for men to be completely topless in public than women. Now admittedly for that one you can argue that breasts are a sexual organ and therefore should be covered, and women are allowed to walk about in bikini tops all they want, buuuuut... I'll argue that. Firstly, while men are very sexually attracted to breasts (and why wouldn't they be?) I'd argue that their main purpose is for breastfeeding and for telling men and women apart. It's the womanliness of breasts that makes men find them sexy. I mean, vaginas are undeniably sexual organs, but men would surely say they find breasts hotter than vaginas, just like I find pretty much every other part of a male more attractive than his penis. Secondly, even if we compare topless men to bikini-clad women, I think the men are still more socially acceptable. Not by much, nowadays, but still.

My point is, even nowadays when feminism has made such an impact on how we as society view women, there still seems to be a fair ways to go. When something like public breastfeeding has such a large percentage of people saying "it's wrong and indecent", when it's, you know, an action that serves a REALLY IMPORTANT BLOODY PURPOSE, you have to question how equal men and women really are, even in these modern times.

Updatetacular, of sorts.

Just a bit of general stuff, I think.

I've been back for a week now, and it's been pretty good. I've been waking up nice and early (6am thereabouts), and on most days doing for fairly vigorous walks, which is about all the exercise my unfit body can probably handle right now. I didn't go this morning, but more on that later.

I've done a few English lessons, and I have a few others lined up. We'll see how my new clients go, because they're a few that I'm worried about. My clients have pretty much all been young women like myself, but on Sunday I'll be meeting a 3-year-old boy whose mum wants me to play with him or whatever, speaking to him entirely in English. I've also got to meet a man in his 30s, I think, in a week or so, which I'm kind of freaked out about. It's a bit silly, but I've had trust issues with men for the longest time. It probably has something to do with primary school bullying or whatever. Anyway, time for me to person up (you know, man up, woman up? I prefer not to specify a gender) and grin and bear it. It's not like he's an ogre of a bloke either - I've been emailing him and he's quite lovely.

Eating-wise, things have been... better than they were before I went back to England, but not the greatest, I'd say. I've consumed a fair amount of chocolate and I'll probably continue to do so. I'm not too worried about this, because even with the chocolate consumption I'm eating far better that I was before, and anyway it seems to be making me feel a little better.

Yes, that's the thing. It's very lonely here at the moment. The only other person on my floor is the American girl, and she's nice and we get along quite well, but she's not someone I'd actively spend a lot of time with. And to be fair, there are very few people I would actively spend a lot of time with here, and none of them are here right now. It kind of sucks, and I'm feeling pretty unhappy and missing my family quite a bit.

And the unfortunate thing is that being in this sort of mood makes you think about your place in the world, in a bad way. Like, I think about friends I have/have had, and I realise that after uni I'm not going to have any good friends, really. Because my uni friends will move on and my pre-uni friends are all in Australia, and if I stay in England I won't be near them, obviously. I might make friends at my next place of stuff-doing, whether it's a job or at another (or maybe the same) university doing a masters, but you can never be sure. I've never been the greatest friend-maker the world has ever known, and even with my good friends I'm hardly the most significant person in their lives (primarily because they're able to do normal-person stuff like have boyfriends). It's somewhat sad to think that the only place where I have real significance is amongst my family. I'm very lucky to have a supportive family, but it kind of makes me worry. Will I ever be able to leave that safety net and have my own family, or will I be helping my mother to live out her fantasy of spending my youth in Paris with pretty much nobody except her for company (and let me tell you, the very idea of only having my mother for company strikes me as nothing short of nightmare-ish)?

I think this all boils down to me and my general rubbish-ness. I certainly want to be able to go out and live my own life after uni is done, but I'm not the biggest fan of loneliness, and since I'm utterly incapable of having a boyfriend or friends that are close enough for me to want to live with them or whatever, I'm worried that I'll be attached to my family for far longer than most people.

I guess we'll have to see what happens.

I feel better after writing that. I might check on some other blogs then go out and do some money transferring.

Japan-tacular! As in, I'm back!

Gee it's good to be back here! We've got nice weather happening (pleasant, since I left Japan feeling as though it might take a miracle for me to ever become warm again), and I was walking back to my room from the station yesterday, my suitcases in tow, and I couldn't help thinking to myself, as I looked at the ugly urban buildings and the hustling bustling people, and entertained myself with thoughts of all the different eateries I could go to along this road, were I so inclined, I couldn't help but think to myself My God I love this country.

I've not reached quite that state of euphoria in England, yet.

Anyway, my purpose of this blog today was to make an exciting announcement. I went for a morning walk! And it was nice, although my feet started hurting quite a bit quite quickly, which is a worry since they were snug in my new ultra-sporty joggers. Perhaps I just need to get used to fast walking. I'm intending to spend the next few days exploring the nearby park and hopefully mapping out a good walking route. Even better would be if there are a few ideal places for me to break into a run. What I'm hoping for is that I can keep up what I did this morning, and wake up at 6-7am, which would leave me a few hours before my first class to go for a walk/run, shower, dress nicely, maybe even apply a touch of eyeliner and mascara, before going to class.

Thinking about this makes me excited, because it's exactly the sort of morning that I would like to have. I don't really like waking up at midday and dicking around in my room before schlumping to class in jeans and a hoodie. It's not remotely refreshing. So yeah, we'll see how we go with that.

In light of this new development, I thought I would take a moment to write down a few things I genuinely love that are actually considered "good" or "virtuous" or whatever else.

1. Running - I announced this to my father a week or so ago, and he declared me a crazy person of the highest order. And indeed, running is definitely not for everyone. For me running always used to be synonymous with EXTREME PAIN, and it still kind of is, but what I love about it is the extraordinary feeling of freedom you feel as you whizz--

--sorry, brief interlude. Just had an earthquake, so I felt I should be good and hide under my desk--

--past other people, your body practically flying. And it's not like you have to do it for long. Ten seconds is great, and you can stop without wheezing uncontrollably and/or feeling as though your last day has come. Then your heart rate settles down a bit, and you DO IT AGAIN!

2. Cool/cold showers - I should probably justify this one a bit. I think showers at a similar temperature to an outdoor pool in summer are probably my favourites. The problem is that most of the time, I don't want to take them. This is most likely because my body is cold in some way and I want the hotter shower to heat me up. Quite hot showers when it's the middle of winter and the hot water on your fingers and toes gives you that curious too-hot sensation are probably my second-favourite. But after I've been exercising my body is plenty warm, so I am able to initialise cool shower sequence, and it's so nice. It makes me feel like I'm swimming, and when I get out I feel much more refreshed and energised than I do after any hot shower. It's great.

3. Broccoli - As a supertaster this is probably a really weird one for me, but even when I was young I found broccoli among the more palatable of the vegetables. It's got a nice flavour, and it's one of the few veggies I would eat by itself, rather than with half a forkful of mashed potato or chicken or something like I normally do with brussel sprouts or green beans or carrots. Peas I like by themselves, but there are a lot of people who like peas. Corn are similar to peas.

This is making me hungry.

4. Swimming - I'm Australian, what can I say. We live in pools during the summer. I wouldn't say I necessarily enjoy doing laps or anything like that, but I enjoy doing random movements in the water, so much. It reminds me of my childhood. Perhaps I should take up water-aerobics.

That'll do for now. Do any of you laize and germs have any "good" things that you genuinely enjoy?