Before I start on this, I'd better get dressed and get my laundry going.
*calming intermission music. I recommend "Can't Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow*
Right, done. I'm returning to Japan tomorrow, you see. I need clean clothes for this.
I've been looking into another blog, Living ~400lbs, lately. For us higher mortals that use metric, 400lbs is about 190kg, and to give some perspective I'm about 100kg, so she'd be about twice my size, I suppose. Most of the blogs I read feature people of around the 260~300lb range, so I've been enjoying reading about someone who is 100lb heavier than that. She's pretty awesome, from what I can tell. Really active (because apparently not being active makes her joints start to ache, which I can certainly appreciate), VERY into fat activism (hence the blog), and struggling with asthma and allergies, which is interesting to read about for me - someone who has nothing akin to asthma or pollen-based allergies (or any allergies, actually).
I'm mentioning her because I've been thinking a bit about my own views, and I've realised that within my thoughts are some contradictions that I'm really not proud of. Mainly, I've been here saying that it's perfectly fine being whatever weight you are, etc etc, and yet I've been reading about the lives of these much larger people and thinking to myself "I hope that I never become that size".
It doesn't stop there. I also find myself thinking about what I'd "need to do" to prevent myself from becoming that size, in terms of diet and exercise. This is despite knowing that I have very little control over my weight, so even if I truly manage to get over my ED and start exercising the amount that I would like to exercise, I might become fatter anyway. That should be perfectly OK with me, but it's not. Not yet. As I read these blogs I find myself smiling triumphantly and thinking "at least I'm not as big as that".
I feel pretty ashamed at myself, truth be told. It's the exact opposite of what I've been preaching. It's insane because I admire these women so much. I think they're beautiful, smart, funny, headstrong... everything that I like to think of myself as being or someday hope to become. They also have to do things like ask for seatbelt extenders on aeroplanes and buy their own big-sized medical gowns for the doctors. They suffer from real fat discrimination, frequently, whereas the most I generally get is the odd doctor or ridiculous woman making gentle or snide remarks, which isn't that bad. I've never been wolf-whistled at, I've never been spat at, I've never been refused medical treatment... but all of that might start to happen if I get much larger, and I don't want that.
The logical side of me is telling me that I'm expecting too much of myself. After all, I'm relatively new to this fat acceptance thing, and it's going to take me a while to relax and let whatever happens, happen. There is still going to be parts of me that want to do what I can to avoid gaining any more weight; parts of me that want to cling desperately to the beautiful clothes I own, hoping that I'll be able to fit them forever and ever; parts of me that want to put my hands over my ears and furiously deny the fact that many women get larger as they get older, and since I'm large now it's fairly obvious that I will most likely be one such woman.
Clearly, I still have a way to go.
No comments:
Post a Comment